New York, NY (April 1st, 2023) – In a statement made today by travel executives, it was announced that airlines all over the country will be adapting a new policy where passengers traveling with basses, guitars, and other stringed instruments will now have their gear stored in the landing gear compartments of airplanes during flights.
This policy comes despite years of complaints filed by musicians who claim their expensive and beloved instruments, which are integral components to their financial and artistic livelihood, have been mistreated and oftentimes damaged or lost by the mishandling of airlines. When this was brought to the attention of airline CEOs and executives, they responded, “F*** it, just throw them where the wheels go”
The decision has been heavily opposed by both the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) and TSA safety agents, as wheel-well stowaways that house landing gear are only meant to accommodate the wheels and landing mechanisms. But airline CEOs have banded together to block any objections, as they are standing firm in what they call “sticking it to those whiney, hippie, grass-smoking rock n’ rollers.”
Musicians all over the world are in an uproar, but the battle to protect their instruments looks like a lost cause after the recent success of other airline policies that effectively reduced seat sizes and legroom, cancelled 50% of flights within 30-minutes of take off, rerouted baggage to foreign countries, and only playing Dane Cook movies during cross country flights.
An airline CEO commented to us through a plume of expensive cigar smoke and the strong smell of aged port wine, “Of course our passengers are the most important thing to our airlines, and especially those sensitive, whiney artistic types, or whatever they are. But we have a profit to make and nothing is more important than our bottom line when it comes to our business model. If they aren’t happy with our new policy, then they can go write a song about it with whatever chards are left of their instruments after flying with us.”
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